Chapter Text
Konoha. September 2013.
1.
The rain falls hard. It’s a cold season ahead. I fix my attention on the passengers, some bidding farewell, others looking forward to the reunion. We’re in between, sitting on a bench at Konoha station, unable to look each other in the eye for fear that grief will betray us by awakening what we thought we’d killed.
“Thanks for coming, Hinata,” he says in a trembling voice.
“You said you had something to tell me before you leave.”
“My condolences … for your mother. I’m sorry I wasn’t there for you.”
“It wasn’t necessary. Sasuke looked after me.”
“It was … important to me. You were there for me when the pervy sage died.”
I tighten the fabric of my jacket. The weight on my heart and the lump in my throat block my breathing. “If that’s what’s on your mind, you can go in peace, Naruto. I don’t blame you for it. It’s over between us, so I understand. You don’t have to apologize … and now, if you’re finished, allow me to leave. Sasuke’s been waiting for me, and I don’t intend to keep him waiting any longer.”
My eyes tingle, threatening to burst into tears… An inner voice screams at me to escape at once. No matter how cruel my words are, Naruto deserves worse. Let him suffer! May he know the pain I endured all that time he abandoned me. The grief I still feel, I, who had placed my trust in him.
When I saw him, I hoped for an explanation. A reason to move forward without dwelling on memories and regrets, saying it was all in vain. Alas, he lets me go like a lifeless corpse.
“Goodbye… Hinata,” he murmurs, raising his head.
I flee his bloody gaze and run towards Sasuke, bumping into a few passengers on the way. All I want now is for someone to press my off button.
I throw myself on my friend’s chest, crying my heart out. Though surprised, he pulls me close. Tremors stop. Dizziness overwhelms me. My legs are numb, my head underwater. Then … nothing.
I open my eyes to see Sasuke’s neck. He’s carrying me in his arms. “What happened?”
“You fainted.”
“Would you put me down?”
“Can you walk?”
I don’t answer him.
“I thought so, too.”
It was a good idea to ask him to come with me, I expected he’d tell me I’d better not go, but he settled for “Okay, let’s go.”
“Here,” he says, handing me his keys. “Wait for me in the car. I’ll be back in five minutes.”
I slump into the passenger seat. My watch reads 2:55p.m. Naruto’s train will leave soon. Should I keep him from quitting? Should I tell him I love him, that I’m in agony without him? That Sasuke is just an excuse to annoy him? That I don’t desire anyone but him? Should I scream at him to stop tormenting us? For our love … that he no longer wants. What’s the point? I can’t force him to stay with me, but if only…
If only I knew why he did this.
I reach into my pocket, grab a lighter—his—and light a cigarette. I roll down the window, lean back against the seat, close my eyes, take a deep breath … and exhale.
My arm sways in the cold air as slender fingers take hold of my cig. Sasuke. He hands me a paper bag and a small bottle of mineral water, then holds out his hand wide open.
“What?” I ask him with my furrowed brows—angry that he’s ruined my moment of relief.
He raises an eyebrow without saying a word. I sigh, pick up the cig pack and place it in the palm of his hand. He walks over to a cigarette-butt garbage can to dispose of it. Damn it.
2.
I stare at the ceiling, bored, avoiding Sasuke’s heavy eye. I’m in the hospital, in the psychiatric ward … and my reason for being here: I slit my wrists a week ago.
“When are they going to get me out of here?”
“When they’re sure you won’t do it again.” He sits on the edge of the bed, takes my hand and strokes the bandage around my wrist with his thumb. He looks sexy in his midnight-blue scrubs. Is he aware of that?
“When Itachi died,” he says without looking up. “He was proud that I’d chosen med school, unlike our father. He said he’d grant me one wish. I wasn’t sure what to ask. I had everything, but I still wanted to share his things. I loved keeping him company, spending time with him … being like him, maybe. Now that I think about it, I think it was a sick attachment. I wasn’t ready to lose him.”
I intertwine our fingers. “Sasuke…”
“I said I’d like to drive his new sports car. I was jealous of Izumi, I wanted to have him all to myself… I was unbearable, a spoiled little brother.” He lets out a bitter laugh.
“Then there was the accident. They said the truck driver was drunk, but I always knew it was my fault. I’d just gotten my license, I…”
“It’s not!” I grumble, squeezing his hand in mine.
“I remember the look on my father’s face at the hospital… I wished I’ve died in his place. He was his favorite son, his pride, his eldest … he was everything he wanted him to be, his true heir.”
“But you didn’t take your life,” I sigh. “Isn’t it?”
“Then you came…” He smiles a little. “I refused to talk to you. I wanted to sink into my solitude. I told you to go away.”
“You said, ‘Leave me the f*ck alone! I don’t wanna see you again,’” I scold him.
“You were about to cry, and I was sure I’d broken our bond. It would have been easier than having to lose you … like I’d lost him, or so I thought, anyway…”
“Idiot.”
“But you said, ‘I don’t know what it’s like to lose a brother, but I know you can get over it. It must be just as hard to lose a friend, which is why I’ll always be here … with you.’” A tear rolls down his nose. It’s the first time I see Sasuke cry, and it pierces my heart. I don’t know what it’d be like to lose Hanabi and I can’t imagine it. My daily life is already unbearable without my mother.
“I was afraid of losing you. The Hinata I know wouldn’t do this because of a guy. I wanted to scream at you… I was angry at you for forgetting your promise, for forgetting me. As if only he mattered in your life. As if your life came down to this…”
“You didn’t…”
He shakes his head.
“Why not?”
“Because it would have been selfish of me.”
“You’re telling me this now,” I point out.
“Because I don’t want you to do it again.”
“I won’t… Tell them to let me go home.”
“I don’t know how you feel, but know that I’ll always be there for you. You’re not alone.”
“Thank you so much, Sasuke.” I take him in my arms, a touch that warms my wretched heart.
Sasuke doesn’t know that Naruto’s departure isn’t the reason I committed suicide, but … because I don’t feel good enough to deserve him. A conviction I fought, but which grew day by day, eating me up from the inside. I trusted Naruto. He broke that trust.
Everyone wears the mask of the demon. Everyone confirms to me I’m worthless, even Sasuke, with his overprotective behavior. They keep reminding me how selfish I am to want to put an end to my ordeal.
All I need is someone to remind me of who I am. What was I before this? How did I manage to stay optimistic? Everything’s black now. I have no hope for tomorrow, no desire to exist. What meaning my life had before this day?
He caresses my shoulder. “I’ve gotta go,” he whispers. The door closes, and the pain settles once again in the hollow of my chest.
Stay a little longer…
